COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
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Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*