The last time I day drank I bought a spaceship.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
You Might Also Like
I felt that…
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
*wakes up early*
*goes for morning jog*
*calls wife to pick him up because he’s made a terrible mistake*
Mad scientist- Checks for Labs
Bartender- Checks for Tabs
Boxer- Checks for Jabs
Uber- Checks for Cabs
Your back – Checks for Stabs
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
me: [getting stabbed]
me: [on fire]
me: [screaming for help]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.