@tech_pirate

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

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@SICKOFWOLVES

I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i get angry wrong?

HER: yes

ME: *balling toes* this is delightful

@pizzasauceboss

*wakes up early*

*goes for morning jog*

*calls wife to pick him up because he’s made a terrible mistake*

@FreudsTwin

Mad scientist- Checks for Labs
Bartender- Checks for Tabs
Boxer- Checks for Jabs
Uber- Checks for Cabs
Your back – Checks for Stabs

@SirEviscerate

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

@GrantTanaka

me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

@3sunzzz

If you love someone, let them go.

If they don’t come back, get a dog.