@tech_pirate

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

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@Sickayduh

NURSE: Doctor, I’ve lost the cat’s pulse

VET: Ok. Time of death is 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, and 10:05

@somecleverthing

I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.

@Smooheed

Yes beer, it’s definitely time to try out my karaoke skills on the front lawn again

@juliussharpe

At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.

@SeptapusDenny

CNN writer: how’s this – my phone is missing.

CNN exec: meh

Writer: It was on AIRPLANE mode!

*CNN exec absolutely loses it*

@JohnDuffy21

Social networking has become a club. Twitter is the dance floor. Instagram is the bar and Facebook is the people crying in the bathroom.

@MNateShyamalan

me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus