NURSE: Doctor, I’ve lost the cat’s pulse
VET: Ok. Time of death is 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, and 10:05
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
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I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Yes beer, it’s definitely time to try out my karaoke skills on the front lawn again
At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
CNN writer: how’s this – my phone is missing.
CNN exec: meh
Writer: It was on AIRPLANE mode!
*CNN exec absolutely loses it*
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Social networking has become a club. Twitter is the dance floor. Instagram is the bar and Facebook is the people crying in the bathroom.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
“This is bullshit” – bull farmer giving barn tours