1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
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Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?