It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
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me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Not messing around
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.