1. Invite snowmen into your conference room.
2. Turn up heat.
3. Negotiate on YOUR terms.

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Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need “lives” as if I didn’t already know that.


TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….


Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?

Me: Define “someone”

Mom: You know, a boyfriend.

Me: Define “boyfriend”


*At an auction*

Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬

Host: What now? 🤨

Me *bids farewell*


I still don’t understand why people say marriage is so hard when I’ve successfully completed 2 of them…


HER: so what did you want to talk about?

ME [not good at breaking up with people]: do you want to get married?