Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
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Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*