@BradBroaddus

1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively

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@eddiesnextwife

My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.

@Vice_Queen

Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.

@ipalatsky

I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.

@Chumpstring

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?

@alexlumaga

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

@1Happytwit

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

@dimplesticks

My dinosaur expert child just schooled me

Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?

5yo: They have different names

@melissaFTW

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

@Fart_Bringer

“U put on suntan lotion?”
“No”
“Youll get sunburned!”
*sun descends, his voice echoes loudly*
“NICE BICEPS BRO, UR LIL SISTER LOAN EM TO U?”

@dumbbeezie

My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it