@BigJDubz

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

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@WigCannon

your call is important to us. like, super important. we all bought new outfits for this call. dave is wearing a wig

@ThugRaccoons

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?

@clichedout

her: i’m going to a concert

me: to see who

her: Bad English

me: sorry, to see whom

@SamDelanche

“I’m turning over a new leaf”

-Adam telling Eve that he’s seeing another woman

@LoneWolfStories

That’s one healthy flower bed you’ve got blooming in your backyard. How many bodies do you have buried there?

-My attempts at small talk.

@Jandalize

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

@SardonicTart

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

@of_a_genepool

oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“