1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
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I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
HR said no more nunchucks.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.