I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
1. Loan someone a pocket knife.
2. Take it back by wrapping it in a rag.
3. Explain you need a knife with someone else’s prints on it.
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“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
[I dont get invited to a party]
[I get invited to a party]
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Just shaved my beard and I feel kinda naked without it. I’m also not wearing any pants but I’m pretty sure its the beard thing.
[last day as head juror]
judge: how do you find the defendant
judge: and the full sentence?
me: oh sorry. we find the defendant guilty
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
I just hit a Smart car and now it’s my hood ornament.
Me: “Goodnight Bed.”
Bed: “New foam who dis?”