My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
You Might Also Like
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
When life hands you women, make women laid.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny