1. Loan someone a pocket knife.
2. Take it back by wrapping it in a rag.
3. Explain you need a knife with someone else’s prints on it.

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I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.


“See you later alligator”

“In a whilst crocodile”

-why we fought the British for independence


[I dont get invited to a party]

me: shit

[I get invited to a party]

me: Shit.


a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!


She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?


Just shaved my beard and I feel kinda naked without it. I’m also not wearing any pants but I’m pretty sure its the beard thing.


[last day as head juror]

judge: how do you find the defendant

me: guilty

judge: and the full sentence?

me: oh sorry. we find the defendant guilty


[being chased through the woods by a murderer]

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine


Me: “Goodnight Bed.”
Bed: “New foam who dis?”