My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
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When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.