1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
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Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
me working on my assignments ^-^
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.