1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
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Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me