1.Not leaving my room
2.Not leaving the house
3.Missing someone’s birthday party

My childhood punishments have become my adult hobbies.

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Wife: What did you get me for Mother’s Day?

3-year-old: A cake.

Wife: Where is it?

3: You haven’t made it yet.


If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.


Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy


Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist


When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.


Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.


Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.


If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.


My mom drove over to drop off Easter candy and she stood in my driveway while I stood on the porch and we yelled at each other about politics so looks like I was able to have a traditional Easter after all