Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
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Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE