@MartinPilgrim1

1.Not leaving my room
2.Not leaving the house
3.Missing someone’s birthday party

My childhood punishments have become my adult hobbies.

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@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: What did you get me for Mother’s Day?

3-year-old: A cake.

Wife: Where is it?

3: You haven’t made it yet.

@Dawn_M_

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.

@TheAlexNevil

Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy

@1evilidiot

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

@SarcasticAlly12

When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.

@chris_isloi

Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.

@simoncholland

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.

@RobDenBleyker

If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.

@AshToTheFuture

My mom drove over to drop off Easter candy and she stood in my driveway while I stood on the porch and we yelled at each other about politics so looks like I was able to have a traditional Easter after all