1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
You Might Also Like
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.