@TheCatWhisprer

[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know

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@LuvPug

I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down

@realHamOnWry

The harder you slam the door walking out on an argument

…the more likely you have to go back inside for your car keys.

@PinkCamoTO

Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?

Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.

@stayfrea_

I called the cops on my own party one time because I was ready to go to bed.

@bridger_w

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

@Home_Halfway

FRIEND: Don is flying in tomorrow
ME: My cousin Don or Amazing Hearing Don?
[I get a text] Amazing Hearing Don

@FredTaming

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

@youcancallmesim

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.