*Takes kids for sushi before seeing “Finding Dory”*
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
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Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning
—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
The wind blew a smart car into my lane and I had to roll down my window and swat it out of the way.
me: kentucky basketball’s logo looks like two birds having sex
911: sir this line is for emergen- wait what
me: yah turn it sideways
911: …holy shit
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
*builds time machine*
*goes back in time 183 days*
*earth is on the other side of the sun*
*dies in space*
Take me Hoooome