1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.

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You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?


Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard


It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming


Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.



Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.


If you eat it & you die it’s poisonous. If it bites you & you die it’s venomous or a bear.


Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?

Therapist: let go of my collar


Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?

Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.

Friends: C’mon, just have one….

Me: Ok, maybe just one.

[ three hours later at the club ]