@Mikecanrant

1) Open a Kinkos style office supply store in Bel Air

2) Name it Fresh Prints

3) Make millions

4) Move to West Philadelphia

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@Sal0630

Me: I’m gonna make a salad

Her: I think the lettuce went bad

[opens fridge]

[lettuce flicks a cigarette, hops out & pulls a switch blade]

@MrAaronAbrams

I don’t get why I’m supposed to like someone who’s different in the streets and in the sheets sounds duplicitous just be a freak everywhere.

@skedaddle74

You know in my forty something years I’ve learned a few things

1. Never look a llama in the eye while laughing

2. Always put on clean underwear before going out

3. Never snort black pepper

4. Always be kind

@ArfMeasures

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

@imence2

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

@thatdutchperson

“And why did you join our gym?”

??to stay healthy
??a friend recommended it
??I’ve seen myself naked

@AbbyHasIssues

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

@iwearaonesie

“you yelled ‘this is not my daddy!’ when i picked you up to leave the store. you’re lucky i let you live”

-how dad signs my birthday cards

@Cpin42

What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?