What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
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Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Pass gas, not judgment.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working