Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
20. West Ham
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Worst bar ever.
dolphin trainer: dolphins are really smart
me [to dolphin]: do my taxes
dolphin trainer: and honest
me: on second thought
Me:*runs into woods* ahh I’m gonna get killed by the clowns
Clown: nah we just want to scare people
Me: oh. can u make an exception for me
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
She : You have a girlfriend.
Me : No. I had.
She : Where did she go?
Me : She Ransomware.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.