1. People
2. Seriously
3. Need
4. To
5. Stop
6. Trying
7. To
8. Predict
9. The
10. Premier
11. League
12. End
13. Of
14. Season
15. Table
16. Just
17. Let
18. It
19. Happen
20. West Ham

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Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination


dolphin trainer: dolphins are really smart

me [to dolphin]: do my taxes

dolphin trainer: and honest

me: on second thought


Me:*runs into woods* ahh I’m gonna get killed by the clowns

Clown: nah we just want to scare people

Me: oh. can u make an exception for me


Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.


My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.


She : You have a girlfriend.
Me : No. I had.
She : Where did she go?
Me : She Ransomware.


Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.