1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
You Might Also Like
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?