@WorkingMom86

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

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@momoneycomedy

Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.

@jackiembouvier

My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.

@hippieswordfish

Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain

@causticbob

And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.

@scullymike

Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”

@kingsleyyy

Everyone gets on the fashion industry for unrealistic beauty standards, but can we talk about unrealistic depictions of food on boxes?

@JohnLyonTweets

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

@jordan_stratton

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

@mdob11

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?