@mommajessiec

1 PM: Only 4 more loads of laundry

3 PM: Only 3 more loads of laundry

5 PM: Only 2 more loads of laundry

7 PM: Only 5 more loads of laundry

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@dullandwicked

just found out that the name for a bat in old cornish dialect is ‘airymouse’ and literally nothing better can happen today.

@sara_ashlynn

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.

@JediGigi

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

@Lisa_Laughs_

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

@mom_tho

Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.

@DirtMcTurd

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

@RexHuppke

When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”

Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.

@writerPT

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

@laurajennyjo

I’m not going to intervene next time my kids start fighting, I’m just going to close the door and whoever comes out alive will be my kid