manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
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The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.