1 PM: Only 4 more loads of laundry

3 PM: Only 3 more loads of laundry

5 PM: Only 2 more loads of laundry

7 PM: Only 5 more loads of laundry

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just found out that the name for a bat in old cornish dialect is ‘airymouse’ and literally nothing better can happen today.


My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.


[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.


I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.


Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.


Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants


When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”

Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.


It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.


I’m not going to intervene next time my kids start fighting, I’m just going to close the door and whoever comes out alive will be my kid