My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
You Might Also Like
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
My current situation
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Self-cleaning conscience
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.