hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
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JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
[eats all your cotton candy]
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Food gives you energy to nap more.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about