1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
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Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive