@loudmouth_usa

1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible

-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing

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@TragicAllyHere

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

@seanbgoneill

Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes

@justabloodygame

As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.

@squirrel74wkgn

Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.

@AtticusFinch79

*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*

Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s

*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*

SG- Those aren’t your pants

@Tmoney68

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

@ehdannyboy

I was running for a bus but I just missed it and had to pretend i didn’t want it in the first place so kept running now I’m in Belgium

@teeaysmith

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

@Darlainky

Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.

@kumailn

I’m gonna go see the new Annabelle movie just to watch a less evil entity on a screen.