6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
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sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
God: okay I need to create something to fill the dark empty void in the meaningless lives of unmotivated people
Laying in bed, watching the ceiling fan spin, my thoughts wonder to
1. Who turned the ceiling fan on
2. Why don’t I have telekinetic powers
My wife once told me ” Mike you’re the only man who ever gave me multiple orgasms”, which pissed me off because my names not Mike
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
[ugly sweater contest]
*takes home the gold*
This isolation thing isn’t going to be so hard. I spent half my teenage years getting grounded so there’s that.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]