@rolldiggity

1. Put “Out of Order” sign on a staircase.
2. Wait until someone says, “Stairs can’t be out of order!” and uses them.
3. Release the bees.

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@sad_tree

“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.

@ceejoyner

A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS. Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive.

@WarrenHolstein

If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.

@ivadixit

last Christmas I gave you my heart/and the very next day you texted me “k”

@crazytraci72

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.

@mom_ontherocks

Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.

@MenHumor

Nothing says I have faith in god like the six inches of bullet proof glass on the popes car.

@FilthyRichmond

Starbucks should have a separate line for people who don’t know what they want or how the world works.

@OutOfLeftField_

If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.