My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
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People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Just as the prophecy foretold
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Jogging
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.