@MelKassel

1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life

DATE: how do you know that

*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET

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@litfirebird

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

@bea_ker

Teachers love saying ‘If Shakespeare was alive today he’d be a rapper’. Wrong. If Shakespeare was alive today he’d be a 460-year old freak and people would fear him.

@BraandoCommando

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

@drivethatfast

This tube of suntan lotion has been in my family for three generations

@_Tempo11

Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.

@LlamaInaTux

oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card

@Brianhopecomedy

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

@emilyarse

students: i broke 18 ribs can i be excused from this absence

professor: tough shit

same professor: well kids unfortunately i stepped in a puddle with socks on so class will be cancelled indefinitely

@mastrap84

Me: hey want to go to sushi?

Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?

Me: well I’m down for a date if you are

Her: I only want to be friends

Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool

@BigPlanetEarth

People are like books. You can’t judge them by the outside and it’s not cool to burn a big pile of them.