1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
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Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
me 2 months after i graduated
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
The pasta is now
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”