1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
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Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Twitter remains undefeated
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.