1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.

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Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.


You, watching the (…) in the text field for ten straight minutes: he must be coming up with something deep and meaningful

Me: Ham sanitizer


Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?


[portal opens]


gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-

dark lord: not now gary


Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.


Me: 🎵Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near🎵

Roadkill: …


If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.