1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
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Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams