1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
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“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.