Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
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Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas