She had her hair in a bun for two straight days. When she took it out, it didn’t move.
I wanted to call her on it.
…but after the death stare she gave me while I was eating that burrito, I thought better of it.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
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I hate it when I’m at someone’s house and they ask stupid questions like “Who are you?” and “Is that a gun?”
How did the date go?
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Get married and have kids so that you can be woken up at 4:56 am on a Saturday by someone asking what the opposite of “J” is.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
I’d only convert to Christianity to learn how to turn water to wine.
WHADYA MEAN THEY DON’T TEACH YOU THAT? WHAT’S THE POINT, THEN?
No YOU sober up, lamp.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops