1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
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The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Wednesday
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.