@badbanana

1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

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@Shade510

She had her hair in a bun for two straight days. When she took it out, it didn’t move.

I wanted to call her on it.

…but after the death stare she gave me while I was eating that burrito, I thought better of it.

@Not_a_JesusGirl

I hate it when I’m at someone’s house and they ask stupid questions like “Who are you?” and “Is that a gun?”

@Brampersandon_

How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.

@joeljeffrey

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

@cray_at_home_ma

Get married and have kids so that you can be woken up at 4:56 am on a Saturday by someone asking what the opposite of “J” is.

@IamJackBoot

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

@AthenaMystique

I’d only convert to Christianity to learn how to turn water to wine.

WHADYA MEAN THEY DON’T TEACH YOU THAT? WHAT’S THE POINT, THEN?

@KrangTNelson

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops