Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
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Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
I think they could have phrased this better
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
It’s an epidemic…
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?