Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
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Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO