I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
You Might Also Like
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent