Good point.
You Might Also Like
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this