1: Steal ice cream van 2: Drive around slowly but never stop 3: Be proud to have helped prepare children for life’s many disappointments

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If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.


Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.


The gun range is great practice for being attacked by a paper target.


What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”


A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.


Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.