Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
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ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
thanksgiving in nutshell
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
#dnd #ttrpg
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake