According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
1. Tattoo “I’M WATCHING YOU” on your shaved head.
2. Grow hair and wait for daughter’s boyfriend to come over.
3. Shave head in front of him
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If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.
So if Humpty Dumpty is an egg, what species is the thing inside him? Another egg?
“No I mean do you have any questions about the job?”
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
my wedding cake gonna be an edible and im not warning anybody
4yo doctor visit:
Doc: no more than 30 mins for 4yo on the iPad. I’d rather he play with mud.
Me: where do u download mud?
This guy at the grocery store told me he had an extra container of Clorox wipes in his car, I almost fell for it.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud