@rolldiggity

1. Tattoo “I’M WATCHING YOU” on your shaved head.
2. Grow hair and wait for daughter’s boyfriend to come over.
3. Shave head in front of him

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@CulturedRuffian

Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.

[ working from home ]

Me:

@Brampersandon_

GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually

@Jeffwni

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

@Bob_Janke

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

@Matt_the_1st

Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?

Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there

Cop:….

Me:..

Cop: sir, your tailamp is out

Me:…

@TheHyyyype

[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me

@scot7a

I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.

@KylePlantEmoji

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good

@AJslackie

Sex so bad, Taylor Swift breaks up with you and doesn’t even write a song about it.