that lip filler tho
1. Tattoo “I’M WATCHING YOU” on your shaved head.
2. Grow hair and wait for daughter’s boyfriend to come over.
3. Shave head in front of him
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Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Sex so bad, Taylor Swift breaks up with you and doesn’t even write a song about it.