Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
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A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*