@TheTweetOfGod
@wickedsuga
You: “Calm down!”
Me: *kills you, calmly
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@wickedsuga
@PleaseBeGneiss
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
@Nahdude83
A roasted peanut is a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts.
@AnniemuMary
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
@osoplain
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
@Kryzazy
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
@nbadag
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
@evildadatron
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
@ramblinma
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
@michaeljhudson
