@TheTweetOfGod

1. The truth will set you free.
2. The truth hurts.
3. Being set free hurts.

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@PleaseBeGneiss

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

@Nahdude83

A roasted peanut is a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts.

@AnniemuMary

Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.

@osoplain

I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair

@Kryzazy

I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.

@nbadag

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes

@evildadatron

Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit

@ramblinma

Them: The children are our future.

The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]