@OuterJohn

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

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@dumbbeezie

I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet

@seamussaid

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

@ComedicBust

When my wife dressed up as Catwoman, I didn’t know it’d mean she’d quit her job, sleep 23 hrs a day and spend the other hour licking herself

@Average_Dad1

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me

@ashmensch

Silent Night,
Holy Night,
All is calm,
CORNDOG FIGHT.

@FBSisnothere

When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.

@TheTweetOfGod

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.

@Akinjoshua2017

When nobody volunteers to present and the teacher says they’re going to start picking at random

@VodkaThursday

To punish me, my 2yr old shuts herself in her room. She can shut, but not open, doors. She ends up trapped in a self-imposed timeout. #irony