*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
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How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.