1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

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I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet


I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write


When my wife dressed up as Catwoman, I didn’t know it’d mean she’d quit her job, sleep 23 hrs a day and spend the other hour licking herself


In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me


Silent Night,
Holy Night,
All is calm,


When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.


“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.


When nobody volunteers to present and the teacher says they’re going to start picking at random


To punish me, my 2yr old shuts herself in her room. She can shut, but not open, doors. She ends up trapped in a self-imposed timeout. #irony