1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

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If you run into someone you know and they say “we should hang out sometime” just say “I’m ready to hang out right now” and watch them panic


In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.


Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.


“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”


For Halloween I put a empty bowl outside my door with a sign that says

“please take one”

That way it looks like I actually had candy once


Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.


In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.


The most difficult part of this whole coronavirus covid-19 thing has been no free samples at Costco.


Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.