1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
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My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great