@GrantTanaka

1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

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@weismanjake

If you run into someone you know and they say “we should hang out sometime” just say “I’m ready to hang out right now” and watch them panic

@wittwitbarista

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

@good_one_rick

Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.

@DanMentos

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

@thatUPSdude

For Halloween I put a empty bowl outside my door with a sign that says

“please take one”

That way it looks like I actually had candy once

@difficultpatty

Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.

@Shut_up_Marissa

In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.

@GinRumMe

The most difficult part of this whole coronavirus covid-19 thing has been no free samples at Costco.

@weinerdog4life

Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.