1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
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You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.