1.) Win the lottery
2.) Fill a swimming pool with Diet Coke
3.) Hire people to throw Mentos in there the whole time I swam

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Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then


Wife: were you even listening to me?

Me: no

Wife: then what did I just s…wait, what?

Me: I said no

Wife: I’m not sure what to do now


My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.


The guy I just cut off thinks he’s gonna destroy my car with high beams.


I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?


[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes


The biggest problem with getting my picture taken is anytime someone says “Cheese!” My immediate response is “Where!!”


I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich


Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”