@SuperApple80

1.) Win the lottery
2.) Fill a swimming pool with Diet Coke
3.) Hire people to throw Mentos in there the whole time I swam

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@MarfSalvador

[Club]

Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then

@TheMichaelRock

Wife: were you even listening to me?

Me: no

Wife: then what did I just s…wait, what?

Me: I said no

Wife: I’m not sure what to do now

@sarcasticmommy4

My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.

@Sarcasmo718

The guy I just cut off thinks he’s gonna destroy my car with high beams.

@ricsem

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

@david8hughes

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

@Phook75

The biggest problem with getting my picture taken is anytime someone says “Cheese!” My immediate response is “Where!!”

@dumbbeezie

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

@envydatropic

Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”