@AndyAsAdjective

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

You Might Also Like

@bmarked21

If stealing office supplies were an Olympic sport, they’d test me for steroids.

@LorieGZ

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.

@Jake_Vig

Police Officer: “Turn around!”

Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”

@osoplain

Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym

@ericsshadow

[on a business trip to South Carolina]

Nice to meet you. I’m from Philadelphia.

“Welcome to the United States.”

@bossy_bootz

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

@cravin4

Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.

Me: Fake?

@AndyAsAdjective

CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma

CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid

@Ristolable

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it