@AndyAsAdjective

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

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@Chumpstring

[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it

@SomthinBoutSara

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

@emireecraire

Public transportation not only helps the environment, it also makes you hate the human race

@daemonic3

THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog

ME: Ok

[next week]

THERAPIST: Well?

ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog

@bossy_boots99

I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom

@skullmandible

hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore

@TheUnrealMattR

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

@JohnLyonTweets

*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*

Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.

@Book_Krazy

[arrives at sales meeting with giraffe I bought last month]

“Ok, did everyone bring a graph tracking your activity this month?”

ME: uh oh