If stealing office supplies were an Olympic sport, they’d test me for steroids.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
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Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
[on a business trip to South Carolina]
Nice to meet you. I’m from Philadelphia.
“Welcome to the United States.”
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it