[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
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Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
What?
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
He’s dead
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets