1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
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Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
giddy up Office Depot
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
When I pack too much for a short trip.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!