Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
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Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
And then there were 4
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Aaaa…CHOO!
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
nyc:
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show