10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
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me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
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Me: Same
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING