10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.

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Me: Can I bet $20 on the Panthers to win the Super Bowl?
Government: Sorry, no
Me: Ok, can I buy 1k in powerball tickets?
G: Lol, of course


I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.


by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood


I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.


Watch me get this baby up to 90 miles per hour!
– inventor of the infant catapult moments before his arrest


I recognize that Rome wasn’t built in a day but I’m not trying to build Rome, I just want to to enjoy onion rings without gaining weight.


Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.


Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!

Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day