Ladies…when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
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ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Boyfriend is sitting by his computer eating sausage with Wikipedia opened to the page “Sausage.”
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Him: “Nothing. I’m good.”
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
“Seriously, knock it off.”
I GOT A NEW BULLHORN!
“I can see that..
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & curse anyone who tries to find you.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Dammit I forgot my headphones and I’m at the airport wait here’s some for 16 million dollars thank god.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother