@elwaytotheend

10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.

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@JonnyStallone

Ladies…when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.

@SondraDeeMe

[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*

@EmmaJanePettit

Boyfriend is sitting by his computer eating sausage with Wikipedia opened to the page “Sausage.”

@AristotlesNZ

Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Him: “Nothing. I’m good.”
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
“Seriously, knock it off.”
I GOT A NEW BULLHORN!
“I can see that..

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & curse anyone who tries to find you.

@DevilryFun

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

@JhonRules

Dammit I forgot my headphones and I’m at the airport wait here’s some for 16 million dollars thank god.

@LurkAtHomeMom

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

@PaperWash

mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!

[20 years later]

mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother