10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
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Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb