10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
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My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.