10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
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When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.